I still love you, but I love you less today.

I still love you, but I love you less today.

I guess the love won’t go away, but there words that both of us said which we can never take back. Although tears have dried and the fast beating of our hearts passed, there are still wounds that we need time to heal.

Today I feel like I love you less than I loved you yesterday. I kept rubbing Sofia to keep my mind on positive things though there are lapses wherein I often stare blankly and all I can think of was you kicking me out yesterday. You may not meant it, but hearing those words was like a hot knife cutting through me while I’m still breathing, standing on the edge of a cliff, contemplating if I should just jump and die right away or to just keep standing and bear each stab until I become numb.

I guess I’m nearly there… near to being numb, to the point that I’m just going with the flow, like a dead fish being carried by the current to the shore.

Should I Be Worried?

We had a visitor last week which turned out to be my husband’s cousin. Since we’re living with my in-laws, he told my mother-in-law to close the door in our bedroom because he didn’t want to see his cousin.

I got curious and asked him why. It took a couple of hours before he spilled the beans and told me that they didn’t get along too well before because there were rumors about him (my husband) and his cousin’s wife.

I was puzzled and asked him what did he mean by that… and he said that they used to sneak out (he and his cousin’s wife) for a coffee with the kids a couple of times and his cousin got mad and started rumors.

Being a girl I guess I couldn’t help but tell him maybe his cousin got mad or jealous because it was his wife after all and I asked him how would he feel if someone sneaked me out for a cup of coffee without him knowing and he looked at me and I know that he was pissed.

Last Sunday we went to a mall to check out some clothes for our little one (5 months on the way). We had a break form all the shopping and ate, he then opened up to me out of nowhere that he used to see someone that is related to the family and it was just messed up with all the rumors. Again I was confused, I think he noticed the change in my facial reaction. He then redirected the topic to someone seeing us at the mall and that it would be another issue in his family that he’s with an Asian girl (I am a Filipino btw). He said it’s not a big deal, but I can tell from the way he reacted, it was for him.

Sometimes I couldn’t sleep properly at night, thinking about all the things I found out. Is he ashamed of me? Am I not good enough to be seen with him by his family friends? Since he was able to sneak out / “have an affair” with a married woman, is it possible that he’ll sneak out on me too with another woman? I don’t know if it’s just the pregnancy that’s making me feel this way…but it’s doing my head in. It’s just making me doubt him more…

Now I always have that gut feeling that something is happening behind my back, he’s always on his phone, laptop and he told me not to go to work for a week. When before he begged me to go to the office with him. Now he wants me to resign and do a handover of all of my projects.

Help me out please?

Giving Up On Fate

Fate

noun

1. the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power.

   They say fate plays a big role in our lives. That everything has been planned out by a higher power and that we’re merely just putting it to play. But no matter how you try to escape what you’re destined to be you’ll always find yourself in that same old spot.

   I say our fate depends solely on ourselves. Whether you’ll just go with the flow and move on or stand your ground and make a turn.

   I’ve been going through something that’s really not healthy for me anymore, its been weeks and as much as I try to change I just find myself back at the starting point. So I try again… and I put up with it everyday. And it’s hard, I just wish the important people in my life can see the effort that I’m putting into this but all they can see is my failure of not being able to change. Is this my fate?

   I cry not because I’m weak or I’m a cry baby, sometimes it just means I can’t hold on anymore and the feeling tries to escape bleeds through the light even when I close my eyes. A shoulder to cry on would be nice for comfort and not an argument.

   I give up on this thing called fate, I need to find my way back…

The little things…

a good read

The Sad Thing Is…

It seems like I’m just dragging each day along. I can feel the heaviness, the hatred and all the negativity.

I already entertained the idea of resigning and even told it to my husband as the idea came to mind. I told him I’m no longer happy… I told him I no longer feel the passion I felt before in my job as to what I felt when I first started. I’m no longer me… but he declined it. The company is expanding and there’s bigger things ahead and I need to be there. I guess he missed the point where I don’t want to be there anymore. You may ask me why he declined it, well basically because he’s my boss.

Every time I open up something about work before, it was somewhat turned down and just pushed to the curb but when someone flags it, it becomes an urgent matter. When that happen something imprinted on me, that’s me. It only takes an act to make or break me.

People commenting on my personal life is also an issue. I was raised by my parents to know certain boundaries what to cross and what not to cross, cliche as it may seem but for me it’s just proper manners. Knowing to respect the life of others, the relationship of others. I know I can’t expect people to be like that as they were not brought up by the same people who raised me, but the fact that RESPECT was not there that just threw me off.

I just want to resign and to get this over with, I want to move on with my life…. but I can’t because they won’t allow me to.

I give up

Today, I just gave up…

Yesterday was more than shocking to me. One of the biggest meltdown that I have encountered. I felt so exhausted, I felt a lot of things in a little amount of time. None of which made me smile. My eyes cried, until there’s no more tears to cry…

I told them that I’m not happy at work and that I want to leave, I want to look for that passion that I had when I started working with them. You know that feeling of just you got tired of doing what you’re doing everyday and just lost all possible hope and passion? That’s how I felt, clearly I was not happy. But then I asked if it was okay for me to leave and they said no…

I’m easy to be honest and I guess my question is “would they be happy if I stay there and change?” For sure, I won’t be..

Ironic because  I said to myself before that on this job I’ll be myself and now I’m having conversations with myself in the mirror convincing myself that I need to change. That the real me will not cut it, the real me isn’t good enough. If this is selling myself short, then I have them to thank for it.

I’m disappointed as hell, I truly am. Because this is me, and now I’m forced to be someone who I’m not.

I just gave up… I’m exhausted in having to fight for what I am. And I guess I’m back to being that person who makes everyone happy except for me.

So today I wake up with puffed eyes and a tired heart. I went for a jog to release all the stress in me, it somehow feels good to run again, I guess because I’ve been running my life ever since.

Change is what they want. So I need to change myself. So long to the soft hearted me.

Help Needed!

Hey Awesome Bloggers,

I need a little bit of your help and insights as I myself seemed to be so down lately. I guess to cut it short, how would you guys feel if someone tells you that you need to change your attitude? That you need to change yourself? When you know for a fact that you’ve just been yourself?

Thoughts? Advice? Help?

My Ode To God Today

Dear Almighty,

Please forgive me for being pissed at so many things today, for letting anger get to me.

I hate having bad days but it is inevitable as much as I hate it because there’s no escaping it. All that is left to do is to change my attitude towards it. Dear God, I am trying as hard as I can but there are just instances that it’s really a BAD DAY in all possible way.

I know I have sinned a lot today for thinking about things about other people. Please forgive me. I just can’t help it especially when I’m standing  on a long line of people to deposit money for our troops and the teller at the bank just keeps on flirting with the manager. When the bank’s computer keeps freezing every 30 seconds, oh man! I just had the s**t. I’m sure the granny behind me was too.

I apologise for not talking to people I dislike, but I guess it’s the right thing to do as if I do speak something not good might come out.

I’m sorry for asking you “why” multiple times today.

Please give me enough strength to overcome this feeling (and to wash the dishes after work. Good thing my husband volunteered to bring the laundry down or I would have had the S word again).

Please clear my mind of anger and exhaustion of life in general.

And most of all thank you for this day, for testing my patience a lot of times today and for letting me know that my tolerance about things has improved. Thank you for letting me live today. Thank you for not making me cry when I opened up about how I felt earlier this morning.

P.S. please if it’s not too much to ask if it will be a bad day tomorrow make it a lesser bad day than today? Kidding! Just bring it on but please equipped me with a whole lot of patience again 🙂

Waves

My face above the water
My feet can’t touch the ground
Touch the ground, and it feels like
I can see the sands on the horizon everytime (everytime)
You are not around

I’m slowly drifting away (drifting away)
Wave after wave
Wave after wave
I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I’m drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream

I wish I could make it easy
Easy to love me
Love me
But still I reach, to find a way
I’m stuck here in between
I’m looking for the right words to say (to say)

I’m slowly drifting, drifting away
Wave after wave
Wave after wave
I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I’m drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream

I just had to share with you guys, the words on this song just stings the heart. In regards to music I’m more onto the lyrics, the meaning and hope that you guys will find a time to check the out the song! Try the slow version and not the remix 😉

EDSA Woolworth

I watched this yesterday with Cindy and it was a really good movie. I thought it would be all laughs but yeah it somehow hits that spot in your heart. I’d have to say Papa Frank’s acting was superb and very effortless same goes with the American cast that they chose. It just makes me miss my dad out of nowhere…

It tackles a journey of a Filipina taking care of their dad while looking for the love of her life. It projects a typical Pinay in which they’ll always choose their family.

People who are family oriented and struggling would appreciate this simple yet touching movie. And bring a tissue or two!